In 2018, Mariah Carey revealed that while writing the song “Portrait,” she experienced a strong urge to “disappear.”

Published by Cel Manero from Global One Media, Inc.

Mariah Carey’s Words + Music installment titled “Portrait of a Portrait” will be released on Audible on May 23.

Mariah Carey is sharing insights into a challenging period of her life. In an exclusive clip released with PEOPLE on Tuesday, May 7, from her Words + Music installment on Audible, the singer-songwriter reflects on her state of mind while writing “Portrait.”

“Where do I go from here? At that point in my life I really did not know the answer to that question. It’s not like I had a plan to say, ‘Oh I’m going to do this and then tomorrow it’s going to be this fabulous day and whatever whatever.’ I genuinely didn’t know the answer to that question, which is what the first line of ‘Portrait’ is,” Carey, 55, shares in the clip from her episode titled “Portrait of a Portrait.”

“Portrait” was released by Carey in 2018 and later featured on her fifteenth studio album, Caution. The full Words + Music installment, “Portrait of a Portrait,” will be available on Audible.

“I disappear” is an even stronger question. How do I disappear is just like… someone who’s trapped. And the question is how do I get out of this situation. I have no idea how I get out of this situation. How do I disappear? How do I snap my fingers and suddenly no longer be here?”

Carey further elaborates, “And that’s a very scary, stomach-tumbling kind of realization. Or I guess artistic realization to have.”

The “We Belong Together” singer then recited some of the lyrics from the song: “Here beyond the looking glass/Somewhere off the beaten path/Heartache never seems to pass/It just lasts.”

Carey concluded by saying, “And that’s exactly what I felt, where I was at that time.”

“Portrait of a Portrait” will debut on Thursday, May 23, on Audible, offering an introspective exploration of “Portrait.” The installment will also include an exclusive, never-before-heard House remix of the original song.

“‘Portrait of a Portrait’ is an in-depth journey into my inner life as a songwriter, and I’m excited to welcome listeners into the Butterfly Lounge for a unique, unfiltered exploration of my creative process and the meaning behind some of the songs closest to my heart,” Carey stated in a press release.